What do you do with 365 used condoms? Melt them down, make a tire and call it a GoodYear!!

Teach a man to fish, you feed him for a lifetime. Give him some ramen,you don't have to teach him anything.

A blonde friend of mine sent me a text asking me what IDK meant.

I sent her one back saying I DON'T KNOW.

She sent me one back saying~Darn!!! No one does:(

A momma mole, papa mole, and baby mole lived in a hole outside of a farmhouse in the country.
One day, the papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said: "Mmmmmm, I smell sausage!." The momma mole poked her head outside of the hole and said: "Mmmmm, I smell pancakes!."
The baby mole tried to poke his head out of the hole but couldn’t get passed the two bigger moles.
Finally giving up, he said: "The only thing I can smell is molasses."

XD

maybe this one is more suited for most on here:

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:
What Makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
What makes up 100% in life? Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it’s the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

Q. What's the difference between a Essex girl and an ironing board?
A. Occasionally you have trouble getting the legs apart on an ironing board.

Q. What is the difference between a supermarket trolley and a Essex girl?
A. A supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.

Q. What does a Essex girl say after her doctor tells her that she's pregnant.
A. Is it mine?

Q. What do you call a Essex girl with an IQ of 50?
A. Cheat!

Q. How do you make a Essex girl laugh on a Saturday?
A. Tell her a joke on a Wednesday

Q. What's the difference between a computer and a Essex girl?
A. You only have to punch information once into a computer.

Q. How do you plant dope?
A. Bury a Essex girl.

Q. What did the Essex girl say after the guy blew her in the ear?
A. Thanks for the refill.

Whats the difference between an Essex girl and a washingmachine?....... a washing machine dosen't follow you around for weeks after you have dumped your load into it.

Why do Essex girls where knickers.....to keep her ankles warm.

What does an Essex girl do with her arshole after sex.....she takes him down the pub.

An Aussie, Irishman and a scouser sitting in the pub drinking, they noticed a guy sitting on his own at the other side of the bar, each of them think they no him when suddenly one of them says OMG its JESUS!!

Quickley they each sent over a pint, sitting there they watched him drink them down one after the other, when finished he stood up and came over to the three guys he shakes the Aussie guys hand and when he let go he screamed OMG my bad back is cured!!

He shook the Irishmans hand and when he let go he screamed OMG my arthuritis has gone.

As he approched the scouser the scouser pulled out a knife and shouting fucking back off i'm on benifits!!!!:D

Q: How do you catch a unique animal?

A: Unique (u neak) up on it.

It is attested that one human cell holds 75 MB of genetic information, therefore a sperm cell holds 37.5 MB. In one cubic milliliter there are 100 millions sperm cells. As per average, in one ejaculation, that takes 5 seconds, the quantity of sperm is 2.25 milliliters.

Figures above give us by calculation the average bandiwidth of a dick:
(37.5 MB x 100M x 2.25)/5 = 1687.5 TB/s.

This is the most inefficient way to use a communication facility: you are broadcasting 1687.5 TB each second with the same information (enormous redundancy!), hoping that 37.5 MB will reach the target. Even more, the system has a huge lateness: you get the ACK (acknowledgement) in about two months, and the answer to your request in no less than nine months. And most of the times it's just spam.

That's why we say "my Internet is working like a dick".

Lei: How do u catch a tame animal? Tame way.