Roses: $60.00
Candy: $25.00
Dinner: $100.00
Hotel: $95.00

The look on his face when you tell him ( well you know) PRICELESS!!! hehe

How do you tell the difference between a stoat and a weasel?


One is weasily recognised and the other is stoatily different.

One day a man came home from work to find his wife crying hysterically in the kitchen. "What's wrong dearest??" asked the confused husband. "Oh darling",sobbed the wife, "I was cleaning little Suzie's room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bed, along with a very erotic magazine! "What ever are we going to do?" "Well, replied the man... "I guess a spanking is out of the question?"

A blonde is overweigh, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."
When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that’s amazing" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nods: "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor.
"No, from skipping," replied the blonde.

For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free. Here's an update for you: Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.

Men are like....

1. Men are like Laxatives. They irritate the crap out of you.

2 Men are like. Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are.

3.�Men are like Weather. Nothing can be done to change them.

4.�Men are like�Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

5.Men are like Chocolate Bars.. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

6.Men are like Commercials. You can't believe a word they say.

7.Men are like Department Stores... Their clothes are always 1/2 off!

8.Men are like ...Government Bonds.... They take soooooooo long to mature.

9.Men are like .. Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10.Men are like Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11.Men are like Snowstorms. You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

12.Men are like Lava Lamps. Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13.Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

If you are easily offended, then please do not read the following.......I apologise in advance, but couldn't resist posting it


An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around the streets and bars of Dublin one unemployed afternoon. Walking down Dawson Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.

'Fu**ing get in there you c*nt!' he says to himself and goes to the bar.

'Get the fu**ing manager of this pigs s*it middle class w*nk hole please you c*nt', he says to a somewhat startled barman. The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I help you sir?' he says

'Yes you can you fat piece of s*it, I saw your poxy advert in the c*nting window and I'm here to audition.....w*nker.'

The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries, 'Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?'

'That song, you big nosed tw*t, was called "Excuse me prime minister but I just j*zzed in your daughter's eye, and now the c*nts blind...'

'Oh' says the manager 'err, can you play me another. Something a little less "lively".'

'W*nker..' interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through his salty teardrops asks him the title.


'That little number was called "Sometimes when you do a ho up the ass you get cr*p on your bell end.'

'I see' says the manager, 'Have you got any songs with less offensive titles?'

'Well there's my jazz number "Do you want me to split your r*ngpiece", or there's the epic "I don't care if you're older my dear, you've still got nice t*ts".

'Look' says the manager interrupting, 'I think you're a superb pianist but the title of your songs are a little "racy". I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience.'

'F*ck it' says the pianist 'Why not'.

On his first night everything is going superbly the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is being received as modesty. The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage. During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard on that he decides to go to the toilet and relieve himself.

Just as he has shot his muck he hears himself being re-introduced over the loud speaker, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act. After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him.'Hi' she says.

'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives.

She leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your c*ck is hanging out of your trousers, and sp*nk is dribbling onto your shoes?'

'Know it?'says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently,

'I f*cking wrote it !!!'

nice one shed....lol

Shed, I'm now convinced that you're a right laugh, I wanna get blind drunk with you asap.

I told my wife that a husband is like fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day she locked me in the cellar!!

Two Tampons were walking down the street. They see a friend. Which one waves hello? Neither, they are both stuck-up cunts!!