and the dyslexic cow says: "Oom"..

now let's all Untie!!

Omaha Lesson: best joke so far!!

The "Voice" of Poker:

There's a guy who lives somewhere in the states. One morning, he hears a voice in his head. The voice says,

"Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas."

He ignores the voice. Later in the day, he hears the voice again.

"Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas."

Again, he ignores the voice. Soon he hears the voice every minute of the day.

"Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas."

He can't take it anymore. He believes the voice. He quits his job, sells his house, takes all his money, and flies to Las Vegas. As soon as he steps off the plane, the voice says,

"Go to the Horseshoe."

He goes to The Horseshoe. The voice says,

"Put all your money into a World Series of Poker (WSOP) entry."

He puts up his $100,000 and buys an entry into the WSOP. He goes to his assigned tournament table. The first hand is dealt and the guy is dealt Ace of Spades, Ace of Clubs. The voice says,

"Go all in."

He pushes his entire $100,000 bankroll into the pot. Three players call.

The dealer lays down the flop which is 8 of Hearts, 9 of Hearts, 10 of Hearts. The voice says,

"FCK!."

How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.

How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer.

What did God say when he created Adam?
I can do better than this.

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.

Why do men like love at first sight?
It saves them a lot of time.

Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?

What do you call an intelligent man in America?
A tourist.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.

Why did God create woman ?
To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.

Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long

TOMMY COOPER'S JOKES



Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married

The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.

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Man goes to the docs, with a strawberry growing out of his head.

Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

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"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."

"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"It's not unusual."

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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.

"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "

"No, because he's really heavy"

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"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."

"Well you can't say fairer than that then"

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Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!

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So I went to the dentist.

He said "Say Aaah."

I said "Why?"

He said "My dog's died."
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So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said
'Who's speaking please?'

And a voice said "You are."
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So I rang up my local swimming baths.
I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'

He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
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So I rang up a local building firm,
I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'

He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
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Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them.

It's either my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.

But I think it's Colin.

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So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he
said 'You've been promoted.'

And I swerved.

And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again.'

And I swerved again.

He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'

And I went into a tree.

And a policeman came up and said

'What happened to you?'
And I said 'I careered off the road.'

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Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they?
The one I was in went back and forwards.

I thought 'This is unusual'.
And the dentist said to me
'Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'

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So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give
me a lift?"

I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."
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Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other

"Does this taste funny to you?"

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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and
the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

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You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.'

So that was nice.

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A man walked into the doctors,
The doctor said "I haven't seen you in a long time"
The man replied, "I know I've been ill"

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A man walked into the doctors,
he said "I've hurt my arm in several places"

The doctor said, "well don't go to those places"

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I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.
He wasn't very happy.

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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.

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I bought some HP sauce the other day.
It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
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Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one
of them would have seen it.

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Phone answering machine message -

"...If you want to buy marijuana.............press the hash key..."

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I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.

He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

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My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.

A strong currant pulled him in.

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I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.

They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all
that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?'

'My darling,' he replied, 'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.'

Taking Care Of The Gorilla

A small Wild Animal Park acquired a very rare species of gorilla, but she was difficult to handle and moody. The park vet discovered that the gorilla was in heat, but there were no male gorillas available. The park administration, thinking about how to handle the problem, noticed Joe Bob, the part-time intern responsible for cleaning animal cages and approached him with a proposition. The administration asked Joe Bob if he would be willing to satisfy the gorilla for $100. Joe Bob said he'd have to think about that one.
The following day, he found the park administration and said he would do it, but only under three conditions:
"I don't want to have to kiss her."
"You must never tell anyone about this."
And last but not least:

"You've gotta give me a week to come up with the hundred bucks."

A little old couple walked slowly into McDonalds that cold winter evening.

They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples that were
eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You
could tell what the admirers were thinking. "Look, there is a couple who has
been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"

The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with
no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the
back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one
order of french fries and one drink.

The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half.
He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the
french fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of
his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup
down between them.

As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the other patrons
began to get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking. "That poor
old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his french fries, one young man stood and came over to
the old couples table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old
couple to eat. The old man replied that they
were just fine. They were used to sharing everything.

Then the man noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She just sat
there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again the young man came over and again begged them to let him buy them
something to eat.

This time the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing everything
together.

As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a
napkin the young man could stand it no longer. Again he came over to their
table and offered to buy some more food. After being politely refused again he
finally asked a question of the little old lady.

"Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything. What is it
that you are waiting for?"

She answered, "The teeth".

Q: What do you call a woman with one leg longer than the other?

A: Eileen